


The Rise and Fall of Darth Thicc-ious

by Astray



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astray/pseuds/Astray
Summary: Being a Sith Lord in disguise was hard work, and Chancellor Palpatine wanted to make sure he had the odds stacked in his favour when the time came to confront a certain nuisance.Now, the odds were not the only things that got stacked.Neither did things go quite according to plan.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 69





	The Rise and Fall of Darth Thicc-ious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FearandTerror](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearandTerror/gifts).



There were many things people didn't know about Chancellor Palpatine. One was that he was a Sith Lord who will, in a near-future, soon resemble a body part best left covered. Another was that Chancellor Palpatine was ripped. Chancellor Palpatine was shredded.

Now, it is universally understood that the precept 'mens sana in corpore sano' is a good one. Not that people in a galaxy far far away ever came close to reading Juvenal. If they had they might also have read Machiavelli and things would have probably been different. Or not. 

Anyway, Juvenal probably had a brain twin in this galaxy because the idea of a healthy mind in a healthy body was also considered to be important, at least by those who did not have to fight for survival. And in war-time, that usually meant the elites. 

Now, Chancellor Palpatine took his health very seriously. At least when it came to his body. Being a Sith Lord meant being as unhinged as a centuries-old blind in a raging storm because the darker the mind, the edgier the thoughts, the more creative they were. Unfortunately for the rest of the Universe, Sith Lords did not tend to become visual artists. Painting with oil is boring. Painting with blood is edgier and deeper. Like a dagger in the lungs. Not that Chancellor Palpatine would ever dispose of people so crudely. He was more of an AC/DC type of guy.

All this to say that Chancellor Palpatine took his physical health seriously, as he never really had any mental health to begin with. And that was fine. 

Now, when one is Chancellor, one does not do anything as undignified as joining a gym. He was lucky, however, to have an endless supply of sla- employees whom he could ask about exercising. Although his first impulse was to look into Commander Fox's papers on physical therapy - clones, the Chancellor had heard - were considered to be very fine men, so it was worth trying. However, he suspected that whatever Fox was ordering would not suit him. And he would never ask. Nor would he question Fox, because the man was loyal to a fault - not that anyone had any idea how much. Finding an efficient replacement would be tiresome.

Luckily, Chancellor Palpatine found references of people building astonishing muscle mass in little time. That suited him fine. After all, he did not plan on waiting another ten years before ruling the world. And he had a long way to go. While he never did much sports in the very beginning of his career as a politician, it was clear that in order to become the strongest being in the Galaxy, efforts had to be made. Also, he wanted to crush a certain old Jedi. 

Bodybuilding was his calling.

And no one knew about it.

He trained hard, and it was for the best that he could register anonymously on online courses, while buying all necessary tools and equipment under another name. Chancellor Palpatine was nothing if not theatrical, and he wanted a grand reveal. No one could know about his late-evening sessions. 

The Chancellor toiled on these machines as hard as he toiled in the Senate to make things worse in the sneakiest ways possible. He had a goal, a drive, and he will achieve it by any means necessary. Lifting weights was still less satisfying than murder but one should know when to stop to avoid suspicion.

It also pleased him immensely to see Senator Amidala growing more and more frustrated. And tired. Everything was going according to plan. He occasionally pushed the envelope, as with the Zilloh Creature, and he could have handled it himself. Not that he wanted to. He had to appear a frail old man for his plans to work. Even if he could now lift his own massive desk. But overall, everything was sailing as smoothly as corruption across the Senate.

However, Chancellor Palpatine was not just a prudent politician. He was a mite vain. A lesser man would have baulked at the epithet, but not him. After all, his physical preparation was nothing if not sculpting with muscles and flesh, as the man in the videos said. Chancellor Palpatine was a work of art in progress and he was careful to document his progress. When it came to ego-stroking, he could only count on himself, as everyone else's opinions were of little significance, be it because of poor understanding or fear, it made no difference. 

His pictures were carefully filed in his "Master Plan" folder. All was well.

At least it was until, unbeknownst to him, his most trusted commander turned to be a wily fox and sneaked into his office. 

For, though Chancellor Palpatine was an ever careful politician, he was not always as subtle as he believed he was. What was subtlety for, when surrounded by people of - obviously - lesser intellect? And so, his siding with the Banking Clans and Trade Federation did not go unnoticed. Although it was something else entirely that had Fox using his credentials to access the Chancellor's computer. Numbers didn't add up between the reports Fox and his fellow commanders gave and those used in the Senate. The casualties were grossly underestimated and not once did he hear them talking about all these campaigns that went so horribly wrong. The ones that came from misinformation - the more he thought about it the more he started to think of Malevolence as a trap. He never told Wolffe. But after Scipio… And the ones that came from Jedi being obviously ill-suited for the job. Krell was a name clones knew of before Umbara. But not once had anyone said anything about Jedi. 

So Fox was looking for information, not wanting to make accusations without cause. And he had the clearance required to access the terminal.

Needless to say he found more than he bargained for. And he had already bargained for a lot.

Chancellor Palpatine was an intelligent man. After all, being a Sith Lord while acting like a politician in close vicinity to Jedi took great skills. But the one weakness he would allow was this: naming folders was not something he usually bothered with. After all, who would ever use the Chancellor's computer? No one. Especially not the only clone commander who had the clearance to precisely do that. Another weakness of Chancellor Palpatine was not reading the fine print in Terms of Use. And Commander Fox never felt the need to mention it. Not out of failing intellect or fear but because he would not look a gift bantha in the mouth.

And so Fox found the "Imperial Progress" folder, the "Skywalker" folder, and the "Kamino - Chips and Orders" one. Among others. With each of these, Fox learned just how bad things were. And the worst part of it was that he obviously could not appreciate the absolute genius of Chancellor Palpatine. He was torn between horror, rage, and the urge to burn everything. Instead, he saved the entirety of the Chancellor's folders and files on a drive of his own.

He thought nothing could get worse, of course.

Wrong.

While Chancellor Palpatine was announcing to the Senate his new plans for less freedom, food restrictions, diminishing aid to planets in need - budget ruled supreme - Commander Fox had removed his helmet but stayed frozen in his office. 

Thorn found him like that an hour later after trying to call him.

"Fox?" 

Fox pointed at the screen. He could not speak. Chancellor Palpatine would have appreciated making someone speechless, but certainly not because of that. He would not have appreciated the unearthly sound Thorn made when he looked at the screen.

Commander Thorn did what Commander Fox had not. He saved the file with the rest and closed all the tabs. Fox was still frozen stiff.

How they made it without being noticed, how they got out and back to Fox's office, Thorn had no idea. One explanation was that Chancellor Palpatine was an orator who lived to remind his audience how important his decisions are and how he is indispensable. In one word, he liked to gloat, but it was an ugly word. 

Reality was about to get uglier.

Because after all GAR commanders had been called for an emergency meeting. After medics were given the location and templates for the chips to remove them - without warning the Jedi. After Ponds and Wolffe handed their generals the rest of the files. After Rex had to sicc Commander Tano on Skywalker to prevent him from rushing to do what he did best. After Senators Amidala and Organa somehow were given all the evidence needed to take down Chancellor Palpatine.

Right as Chancellor Palpatine was getting ready for the time of his life, his grand reveal, the apotheosis of his schemes, and instead found himself unceremoniously caged and arrested.

The entire holonet was swarmed by pictures of the Chancellor in a tank top and booty shorts and various other garments, or worse, none, all tagged "Palprotein" or variations on "Darth Shreds", "Darth Thicc-ious" or affiliates, to the dismay and hilarity of all denizens who definitely had a taste for the grotesque. 

People wondered if there were fakes but experts chimed in, saying they were genuine.

More than failing at becoming Emperor, Former Chancellor Palpatine could not contain his rage at the indignity of having his body exposed, as a laughing stock. A meme!

Though he did achieve eternal fame, as #DarthThiccious.

**Author's Note:**

> One of the images Fox found:  
> [One of the images Fox found](https://fear-crazy-eye.tumblr.com/post/615495204939677696/i-have-hysterical-fits-every-time-when-i-see)


End file.
